Jesus Finds Alternate Route To Your Heart

Now, Jesus can cum into your heart via your anus or vagina. Two Jesus dildo masterpieces are being sold. One of a kind, never to be reproduced again.

Note the warning by the seller: “For display purposes only”. Yeah, that looks like it would be pretty painful to use. Imagine going to the hospital because the Jesus broke off and got stuck in someone’s pussy, or the little "INRI" tag getting stuck up someones ass. Have fun explaining that one.

Do You Come Here Often?

Jesus is just popping up everywhere! Now, he is hanging out in a fireplace in Glasgow, Scotland. Check out the picture at The Sun Scotland. Now, tell me if it doesn't look like Sauron from Lord of the Rings. You know what else it looks like? A smudge of soot.

You know, if I were the son of gawd, I think I could be more likely to appear in the sand on a beach in Jamaica or on the shower wall of either the Hawaiian Tropics Bikini Team or the FKH8 calender shoot models locker room. Just sayin'.

Pour Some Sugar-Saturated Blood On Me

I thought the disgusting act of symbolic cannibalism was as far as Christians went in their clinically insane actions, now they want to be covered in blood. Not only do they want a big ole’ bucket of Jesus’ blood poured over their naked bodies, they want to advertise that fact on their cars with these wonderful car magnets.

The messages will be displayed on two (2) different car magnet shapes. Interested ones will, also, have three (3) messages to choose from. They can choose: 'Covered With The Blood Of Jesus!' and/or 'I Am Covered By The Blood Of Jesus!' and/or 'Trust God, Not Man!'

What in the hell kind of point are they trying to make with this? I guess that they are savage cannibals that want to have blood dumped all over them. I wonder if they all take their clothes off and have a “Jesus Orgy” while guys in robes pour blood over them. Does anyone else think this sounds like any other random ritualistic cult?

Please Christians, tell me if this is what you want to look like?

Do Not Define Me, You Arizona Dirt Worshiper

One thing that pisses me off a great deal is when other people try to tell me what I believe. The ideas that they have in their thick, Neanderthal-like skulls all sound the same and sound like something from a Chick Tract. It came as no surprise to find that this letter that was posted to a news paper came from Arizona, a land replete with morons and the super-religious (same thing).

Follow the link and read the letter. I shall not sully my blog with its vapid contents. All I have to say is ATHEISM DOESN’T MAKE ANY STATEMENTS. Atheism is simply a lack of belief in a deity. Now, if this dirt worshiper from Arizona would like to debate the origins of the universe with an evolutionary cosmologist or debate the intricacies of biogenesis with, I don’t know, a biologist, perhaps he should do just that. Something tells me the conversation would be very confusing for one of the participants.

A person can be an atheist and not have a degree in biology or quantum physics. It doesn’t take Einstein to see how stupid the idea of a creator is. However, since we are defining each other here and making demands, I want to know where Steve Miller’s (the author of this letter) proof is for a 6000 year old universe? What papers has he written to prove that Adam and Eve gave birth to the world population? I am pretty sure he would have a hard time finding proof outside of the Bible.

I know we say it often and it pisses of the mental midgets of religion, but when you make a claim, you had better have some goddamned evidence to back up that claim. Atheism doesn’t make a claim. Religion on the other hand is nothing more than a series of claims with either no evidence or evidence to the contrary. I’ll stick with atheism.

When Cancer Makes You Crazy

Ugh! Stories like this make me so very sad. People who are ill will try anything to get better. I cannot let this woman’s illness get in the way of the absolute stupidity of the situation though.



I do not see Jesus in the x-ray. I see what looks like a wire from a pace-maker or some other medical device that loops its way around inside this woman’s chest. There is nothing there. It is called pareidolia and I recommend everyone become familiar with the phenomenon so as to be able to recognize it so that you don’t go on national television and make a complete ass of yourself.

I would challenge anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer to explain to me how they reconcile Jesus being with them and this supposedly benevolent God giving them cancer in the first place. If it’s God’s will, then stop complaining about it give up hope, because obviously God’s will was for you to suffer and die a horrible death for no reason at all.

Jesus Loves Doors

Tis the season for Jesus to start showing up in weird places. As always, he can never appear as himself on the sic o’clock news. Instead he appears on the back of a bathroom door or a grilled-cheese sandwich. Here are a couple of his most recent appearances.

-Joe De Nuncio of Tampa, Florida was recently told do give a bathroom door back to a company that he used to work for. Joe asked for the door and the company gave it to him. Why did he want a bathroom door from a plywood company? Because Jesus was on it, of course! Don't forget to check out the pictures.

-An Irish pub in Australia has found an image of Jesus in the chipped paint of their door.

These types of sightings often lead people to believe the Lord is sending some sort of message of hope. In this case, according to Keohane, the only sign it may be sending is about what's served inside.

I know when I am looking to post a message of hope, I head to the nearest pub in a tiny town in eastern bumble-fuck Australia.

The tavern has no intention of repairing the stripped paint. Aside from enjoying the attention Jesus attracts, it's also treasuring the image at the request of a local parish.

Of course they aren’t going to repair it. They are making money off of a shitty paint job. This is further proof that Jesus is a capitalist and an alcoholic.

-A Bishop in Green Bay has certified that some visions of Mary by Adele Brise were real. This marks the first bullshit claim appearance of Mary in the United States. Mary and Jesus are like UFO’s: They only appear to slack-jawed yokels with no education who live in the middle of nowhere. Maybe they are real and they just like screwing with people.

Giant Jesus? Watch Out For Lightning

Great giant Jesus! No, seriously. The giant Jesus of Sweibodzin, Poland is complete. This monster is 52 meters tall! Just think if the talent and money had went towards something that wasn't stupid and gaudy. I don't think anyone informed the good people of Sweibodzin what happens when you build a giant Jesus though.

Packin' Heat For Jesus

Bobby Jindal (R, Old West) has pushed forward a bill that would allow the good people of Louisiana to carry guns... to church. Why? I don't know, and no one else can seem to give a good answer.

The thought of a gunfight breaking out in the middle of a sermon makes me laugh and also frightens the hell out of me. Imagine one of those really good preachers, you know, the ones who say things like “Someone should kill atheists” or “Someone should kill Muslims” or “Someone should kill liberals.” Can anyone else see where this is going? Maybe I am just overreacting.

Then again, maybe not. Pastor Welton Gaddy also has a problem with the law (I know!). He raises some very interesting points such as

Frankly, despite frequently infusing his civic rhetoric with the language of faith, Jindal, like others, shows a surprising lack of knowledge about the essence of faith and priorities of faithfullness. Why would civic leaders not want one of the last institutions devoted to peace-making to continue that important work in a society addicted to violence and fascinated by guns? Of course, anytime government becomes involved in religion, we should expect distortions and problems that can compromise its integrity. The founders of our nation knew the reality of that development well and sought to prevent it. It’s a crying shame that contemporary leaders have either forgotten or chosen to ignore it.

This is a pastor that I can work with. It sounds like he wants the church to remain separate from government. What a coincidence! So do I! We need more people in the religious community to stand up to, frankly, idiotic laws and idiotic governors.

Jesus Is Coming... In 2050

A recent study has shown that nearly 41% of Americans think that Jesus is going to return by 2050. Does anyone else see a problem with this? I think the numbers are a little off, but when you have a large group of people, especially the ones in power, that believe this crap, then we are setting ourselves up for failure.

These people that think that Jesus is going to return soon are going to be the death of us all. Why clean up the oil spill, or try to stop polluting so much, or stop wars? Jesus is going to come back and save us anyway and magic away the filth.

I am telling you, the people that believe this stuff are voting and taking office. We need some atheist candidates to take office and put a stop to this nonsense.

Bloody Jesus

It seems that the crying, bloody Jesus has made an appearance in Yerba Buena, Argentina. I think we need to get some actual skeptics on a plane to Argentina to find the tube that is feeding the fake (or real, ewwwwwwwwww) blood through the cast of Jesus.

It couldn't be a hoax. I mean, has anyone ever perpetrated a hoax like this before?

Burning Jesus

It's too good of a story. How could I not comment on it? Jesus has burned to the ground.

You know, in the Old Testament, it does say something about "Thou shalt not worship any graven images." Maybe the Christian God is pissed off ;)