Exorcize Those Gay Demons!

In a surprise to most sane people, it was revealed that homosexuality is caused by demon possession, not genetics as scientists had studied and told us. The purveyor of this dubious, paradigm-changing knowledge is former Navy chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt. He found the cause of homosexuality while “ministering” to a young lesbian sailor while she was going through a particularly tough time.

Klingenschmitt: As a chaplain I prayed with a young lesbian sailor who came to me and said, “Chaplain, I don’t like the way I’m feeling. Can you help me with this?” We prayed with her and she renounced her sin, she invited Jesus Christ to be the first man in her life that she trusted. We had a wedding ceremony. She wept as Jesus moved into her heart and got the devil out of her…

Pakman: So you’re saying that you believe a gay exorcism is a legitimate and worthwhile thing to do in these cases?

Klingenschmitt: Well, it’s the only spiritual solution to a spiritual disease. I looked into her eyes and said “You foul demon of lesbian homosexuality, come out of this woman in Jesus’ name” she began to weep and she loved Jesus. She began reading her Bible, became the best evangelist in our church. She got baptized and started dating boys.

I am not sure this story is true at all. I find it hard to believe such fantastic tales from a group of people who lie every day (but they are doing it for Jesus, so it’s ok). If this story is true then it is an absolute disaster. How sick is this guy? It’s not bad enough that he makes this young sailor feel horrible and wrong for how she feels, but then he makes her go through a wedding ceremony so that she can get married to Jesus? If she was crying, it was probably because her life was collapsing around her.

Maybe she wasn’t gay. There are too many variables to her situation that are not revealed here and I suspect the good chaplain never tried to find out. I am still not convinced that this ever happened, but stuff like this does happen every day in churches across the nation. Kids who are confused about their sexuality or are actually gay are pushed further into the back of the closet by the crazy and condemning actions of the clergy.

The largest obstacle to people coming to terms with their sexuality has been, is, and will continue to be the abusive nature of the church; that is until the public stops believing in fairy-tales and rejects the actions of imbeciles like Klingenschmitt.