Exorcize Those Gay Demons!

In a surprise to most sane people, it was revealed that homosexuality is caused by demon possession, not genetics as scientists had studied and told us. The purveyor of this dubious, paradigm-changing knowledge is former Navy chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt. He found the cause of homosexuality while “ministering” to a young lesbian sailor while she was going through a particularly tough time.

Klingenschmitt: As a chaplain I prayed with a young lesbian sailor who came to me and said, “Chaplain, I don’t like the way I’m feeling. Can you help me with this?” We prayed with her and she renounced her sin, she invited Jesus Christ to be the first man in her life that she trusted. We had a wedding ceremony. She wept as Jesus moved into her heart and got the devil out of her…

Pakman: So you’re saying that you believe a gay exorcism is a legitimate and worthwhile thing to do in these cases?

Klingenschmitt: Well, it’s the only spiritual solution to a spiritual disease. I looked into her eyes and said “You foul demon of lesbian homosexuality, come out of this woman in Jesus’ name” she began to weep and she loved Jesus. She began reading her Bible, became the best evangelist in our church. She got baptized and started dating boys.

I am not sure this story is true at all. I find it hard to believe such fantastic tales from a group of people who lie every day (but they are doing it for Jesus, so it’s ok). If this story is true then it is an absolute disaster. How sick is this guy? It’s not bad enough that he makes this young sailor feel horrible and wrong for how she feels, but then he makes her go through a wedding ceremony so that she can get married to Jesus? If she was crying, it was probably because her life was collapsing around her.

Maybe she wasn’t gay. There are too many variables to her situation that are not revealed here and I suspect the good chaplain never tried to find out. I am still not convinced that this ever happened, but stuff like this does happen every day in churches across the nation. Kids who are confused about their sexuality or are actually gay are pushed further into the back of the closet by the crazy and condemning actions of the clergy.

The largest obstacle to people coming to terms with their sexuality has been, is, and will continue to be the abusive nature of the church; that is until the public stops believing in fairy-tales and rejects the actions of imbeciles like Klingenschmitt.

All Kinds Of Gay-Crazy!

There is going to be an earthquake in California. I know, I know. It’s kind of like predicting a hurricane is going to hit Florida or the Panthers are going to have a losing season. It’s definitely going to happen. However this earthquake is going to be caused by… wait for it… Gay People!

Yesterday, January 4th, I was called by a key intercessor in Santa Ynez. (Please note as you proceed, yesterday was the same day prop 8 was sent to the California Supreme Court) She reported two visions from separate individuals in the area:

A pastor of a large Nazarene Church had a dream of a very large earthquake on the central coast. He shared this at the Christmas gathering for all the Santa Maria Pastors and 5 cities area. Because of the destruction and intensity of the quake he thought he should tell the Pastors so they could pray into it.

Another intercessor in the area had a dream and saw a map of California. She noticed on the map how Pt. Conception juts out into the water. As she looked she saw an 8 with a circle beside it in the waters off Pt Conception.

So remember California, when Prop 8 is repealed and then an earthquake hits (they didn’t give a specific timeframe, but believe them, it’s coming), you can feel safe in blaming it on the gays. It’s true, God said so.

Please, Don't Forget To Add 'Hate' To The Back-To-School List

If you can make it through this entire video, you are either deaf or insane. I love how when we don't allow hatred to be taught in our schools, we are the ones being intolerant of the intolerant Christian buffoons.




Just a side note: when they ask "Is this what you really want your child to be taught?" my answer is "You mean tolerance? Absolutely."

Is Your Husband Queer?

There is a fine line between extremism and satire, as goes Poe’s Law. I am still trying to decide if this site, ChristWire, is real or if it is some genius satire of Christian Extremists. For example, there is a list on their site that instructs women on how to tell if there husband is gay. The content is so ridiculous that it has to be real, but it is too hard to tell. Some of the content is just outright hilarious.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

Working late? Talking to people on the phone? Not giving a detailed breakdown of your phone and internet usage to your spouse? Queer!

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

So if a man flirts with other men, he might be gay. Did you know if a man flirts with other women, he might be straight? This is so obvious that I can’t believe that a woman wouldn’t notice her husband making eyes and another man and think everything was ok.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

How does this jump from being bored in church to spending time around young men? I guess that means that everyone in my family, church leaders, and the leaders of groups like Promise Keepers are all gay. On second thought, maybe they are on to something.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

This one just makes me laugh. Real men don’t shower or shave: we have long hair, unibrows, stained underwear, sweaty pits, and flakey dry skin.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

I think all of the guys at the gym I attend would be surprised to see this one. I wish there was sex going on in the gym bathroom. Alas, I have never seen this happen. Remember, don’t work out too hard, because an exhaustive workout is a sign of man-on-man “pressing”.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Oh yeah, you know, the hard bodies and tight asses… make me so horny… I mean disgusted.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

Imagine how boring sex would be if it was just straight missionary style. NEXT!

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

This one made me laugh. I can only find one solution to this problem: all lesbian porn. But then, maybe the woman might become a lesbian. NOOOOOO!

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

Visits to those foreign countries like Thailand or San Francisco. Come on, man!

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

Wait, if a guy surrounds himself with all women, then the spouse shouldn’t be concerned that her husband is nailing one, or all, of them? Interesting.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

Sarcasm = gayness.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Also hilarious. They left out Mad Men, True Blood, and the 700 Club.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a Speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

This just described every redneck in the south. They have to put signs up on doors that say “No Shirt, No Service” because of the south. All rednecks are gay.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Can’t… stop… laughing. Does he cry frequently because he smells like gel and cigarettes? That strange odor is referring to the stench of anal sex I guess, although I have never found it to smell like a combination of either of these.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

I don’t know what to say. I hope this is fake because if it is real, then the other side is crazier than we originally suspected.

Mike Huckabee: Destroyer Of Worlds

I have heard some comments as of late about atheists shoving our agenda down the throats of the nation. We have been accused of rewriting history. I, personally, have been told that I am destroying the nation. We have been called offensive and vile. What did we do to deserve this treatment? We let everyone know that we exist.

It is interesting how atheist letting the public know that we exist is shoving our "agenda" down the throats of the nation, but when Christians tell us to shut up and let the majority rule over us, well that is just democracy. There are two problems with that. 1) The Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights were put in place to protect the minority from the persecution of the majority. 2) History. We have been accused of rewriting history, but when you look into issues like "under god" in the Pledge and "in god we trust" on our money, you will see who is rewriting history. The idea that this is a Christian nation is as ridiculous as this being Muslim of Jewish nation. This is a Christian nation is as much as there are Christians that live here.

The problem is is that the people who think this is a Christian nation are politically active. They vote in insane assholes like Mike Huckabee, who recently insinuated that atheist should be happy that they aren't being shot for being atheists.

If people want to spend their money to tell everyone they don't believe in God, the joy, beauty, and incredible greatness of America is we let them do it and don't shoot them for it.

Is he not merciful? This guy is also not a fan of the gay.

I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes,” Huckabee said in a recent New Yorker profile. “Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.

The ick factor? Well, I am glad he isn't infusing his opinion into the matter. He really isn't. I'll let him tell you.

I’m an Evangelical Christian, so I have a strong biblical world view, and that’s where I come. It’s not a matter of me having any kind of animosity towards anybody or any group and what people do individually, is to me, their business,” he said. “I’m not going to judge you or judge anybody else because I know there are so many loving people who are in same-sex relationships and they have adopted children and they love those kids. I’m not going to judge them. I’m simply not going there.

You're not going to judge? Yes you are. YOU JUST DID!

People like Mike Huckabee are the problem. They are dividing the nation between those who are hate-filled, bigoted, ignorant homophobes and the rest of us. Listen to people like Mike Huckabee and tell me who is destroying the nation. Tell me who is offensive and vile. Tell me who is rewriting history.

Agreeing With The Church Makes Me Vomit

Nothing makes my stomach turn more than having to agree with a church, especially when they are discriminating against gay people.

Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis, TN has banned a coach and a team from the church softball league because the coach is a lesbian. This is stupid, ridiculous, and bigoted. However, I have to stand by the church's decision because it is their right to do so. Unless this church is receiving public funding, it is their right to discriminate against whomever they choose.

I do think they should loose their tax-exempt status. If they want to be in the business of discriminating against gay people because it is part of their religion, then they should pay taxes like the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong, I think the church is despicable. It is amazing to me that churches can do stuff like this and be surprised when their numbers dwindle (something I love to see). Especially speaking as someone who is bi-sexual, I don't want anyone to be discriminated against for any reason.

I think the proper response here is scorn and sanction, picketing this church every day until the doors close. Let's bring the free market to the church.

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Check out the original story and try to keep a level head when you read the comments.

How Christians Justify Their Bigotry

“God Hates Fags.” That is a common sign that you will see when you look up any article about Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church. Fred Phelps and his group of minions are roundly criticized and condemned by “true Christians” across the country on a regular basis. However, these same “true Christians” seem to have no problem espousing the same hatred, just in different, nicer terms. They talk about the sanctity of marriage and the damage that it will do to the fabric of our country. Oh, and the children. Think of the children! Is any of this really any different than what Fred Phelps is saying? No, it isn't, and here is why it is the same exact thing: the justification that each of these groups (true Christians and Westboro Baptist Church) is the same. Both of these groups point to the Bible, specifically to Leviticus.

Leviticus is pretty clear on the subject of homosexuality. Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 says that being gay is an abomination. Abomination! This is where most of the justification for being disgusted by homosexuality comes from these two verses. However, Leviticus is a book of rules. So if you are going to go back to the Old Testament and start pulling out rules like those against gays, then you have to fallow them all. If you believe that God wrote the damned book, then you have to follow everything that is written in it. No allegories, no miscommunication, no mistranslations, and no wiggle room. So lets take a look at what else good ol' Leviticus has to say about how we should live.

Starting in Leviticus 6, we begin to get the list of stuff we can't do. Don't deceive your neighbor, don't steal, don't lie, and don't take lost property. I can live with that. Now on to Leviticus 7. Eating fat or blood is forbidden and will result in excommunication (Lev. 7: 22-27). So if you have ever eaten sausage or German food, you are cut off from the people.

Interested in knowing what animals you can't eat? Camels. Not sure I would eat a camel, but I can't say I have had the chance. A coney. This is an animal I had to look up. I don't think they exist in the States, so we should be safe with that one. A rabbit. Come on! Have you ever eaten rabbit? It's awesome! Pigs. The staple meat of the South. If you have ever eaten bacon, pork chops, pork rinds, livermush, ribs, or BBQ, then you, my friend, are unclean. Not only are you not allowed to eat these animals, but you can't even touch their carcasses. It's an abomination.

Seafood is OK, as long as it has both scales and fins. Have you ever eaten shrimp, scallops, oysters, clams, muscles, lobster, or crab? Say no and I will call you a liar. You are an abomination on two counts. The people in the bible have obviously never had Crawfish Etouffee. You can't eat owls, herons, ospreys, or bats. I don't think I would argue that one too much. No four-legged or flying insects, except for grasshoppers, katydids, crickets, or locusts. Obviously, those must be tasty. Nothing that creeps on the ground. That includes, rats, lizards, and weasels. I hope all of this has made you hungry.

You know what else is unclean? Women. When women have their period, they are unclean. When women give birth, they are unclean. Women are actually unclean longer if they give birth to a girl verses giving birth to a boy.

Then we get into common sense things, like don't rub all over someone who has an oozing, puss-filled sore, rash, infection, or any other malady. Anything covered in mildew is bad and should be burned. So, the next time you get some mildew in your shower, burn the house down. The Bible is unclear on what we should do if we find mildew on plastic though. I wonder how they didn't see that coming?

Emissions from the body are also unclean. This includes spit, urine, feces, semen, blood, vomit, and I guess water from boils. Again, women are gross. Men can't sleep in the same bed or sit in the same seat as a woman who is having her period. Because, you know, icky.

Now comes the fun stuff: Sex. You can't have incest relations (something I don't think I will ever have to worry about). But that is to say close incest relations, such as mother, father, brother, sister, half-sister, half-brother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, grandchildren, or children. Cousins are OK! If your dad gets married to another woman, you can't have sex with her either. No sex with a woman and her daughter. It doesn't seem to take a stand on any other threesomes, foursomes, or orgies. So that's good news. No gay sex. No bestiality.

You know what else you can't do? Cut your hair or beard, plant two different kinds of seeds in your garden, or wear clothes from two different kinds of material.

Take a wild guess at what the punishment is for committing any of these “sins”. You guessed it. Death. Atonement for the lesser sins just involves killing animals and rubbing blood everywhere. Sounds wonderful.

So, the next time you condemn homosexuality “cause the Bible tells me so”, remember, you aren't living up to the Bible yourself. Now, you can say what most Christians say. “Oh, we have the New Testament. The Old Testament is just so... old.” However, if you are going to use the laws of Leviticus to condemn homosexuality, then you have got to apply them all, to everyone, everywhere, all of the time. Or, you could join us in the 21st century and mind your own damned business.

Where Being Gay Is Illegal

A couple in Malawi have been found guilty of gross indecency and unnatural acts and could serve up to 14 years in prison. They must have done something horrible to have received such a conviction. Was it some sort of child-related act? Bestiality? Sex with a lawn ornament? No, they were convicted of these crimes because they are gay. Two consenting adults who loved each other enough get married are being sent to jail because they both have a penis.

At least there has been some outrage by the doner-countries that keep this 11th century country alive. I suspect if the country were to pull there funding, Malawi might be persuaded to join us in the 21st century. Either that or they could pull a Nigeria and tell everyone to 'fuck off'.

I wouldn't toot America's horn too loud since we regularly discriminate against gay people. However, at least we don't imprison people anymore for being gay. Although, I am sure that if the homophobic right had their way, Malawi would be considered a model country.

Spontaneous Human Gayness

If it weren't for the Catholic church, I would have nothing to write about. Archbishop Dadeus Grings has discovered something about human nature that no one else ever know: kids are spontaneously gay. I am trying to picture how this would happen. One day, your playing with some G.I. Joe toys and out of nowhere, cock is awesome.

"We know that the adolescent is spontaneously homosexual. Boys play with boys, girls play with girls," he said. "If there is no proper guidance, this sticks. The question is — how are we going to educate our children to use a sexuality that is human and suitable?"

What the hell is he talking about? So, when little boys play with other little boys, they are building up a gay friction, about to spontaneously explode in gayness. That is fascinating. Anything to take peoples eye off of the huge child-raping lot of priests that infect one of the most disgustingly opulent and oppressively backwards empires in history.

Ricky Martin: Gay at 38

Ricky Martin was found Gay at 38.

In other news, the sky is blue, ice is cold, and sex is pleasurable.