Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Is Your Husband Queer?

There is a fine line between extremism and satire, as goes Poe’s Law. I am still trying to decide if this site, ChristWire, is real or if it is some genius satire of Christian Extremists. For example, there is a list on their site that instructs women on how to tell if there husband is gay. The content is so ridiculous that it has to be real, but it is too hard to tell. Some of the content is just outright hilarious.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

Working late? Talking to people on the phone? Not giving a detailed breakdown of your phone and internet usage to your spouse? Queer!

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

So if a man flirts with other men, he might be gay. Did you know if a man flirts with other women, he might be straight? This is so obvious that I can’t believe that a woman wouldn’t notice her husband making eyes and another man and think everything was ok.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

How does this jump from being bored in church to spending time around young men? I guess that means that everyone in my family, church leaders, and the leaders of groups like Promise Keepers are all gay. On second thought, maybe they are on to something.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

This one just makes me laugh. Real men don’t shower or shave: we have long hair, unibrows, stained underwear, sweaty pits, and flakey dry skin.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

I think all of the guys at the gym I attend would be surprised to see this one. I wish there was sex going on in the gym bathroom. Alas, I have never seen this happen. Remember, don’t work out too hard, because an exhaustive workout is a sign of man-on-man “pressing”.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Oh yeah, you know, the hard bodies and tight asses… make me so horny… I mean disgusted.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

Imagine how boring sex would be if it was just straight missionary style. NEXT!

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

This one made me laugh. I can only find one solution to this problem: all lesbian porn. But then, maybe the woman might become a lesbian. NOOOOOO!

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

Visits to those foreign countries like Thailand or San Francisco. Come on, man!

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

Wait, if a guy surrounds himself with all women, then the spouse shouldn’t be concerned that her husband is nailing one, or all, of them? Interesting.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

Sarcasm = gayness.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Also hilarious. They left out Mad Men, True Blood, and the 700 Club.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a Speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

This just described every redneck in the south. They have to put signs up on doors that say “No Shirt, No Service” because of the south. All rednecks are gay.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Can’t… stop… laughing. Does he cry frequently because he smells like gel and cigarettes? That strange odor is referring to the stench of anal sex I guess, although I have never found it to smell like a combination of either of these.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

I don’t know what to say. I hope this is fake because if it is real, then the other side is crazier than we originally suspected.


  1. Did you read the blurb at the bottom about the author? "Motivational Children's Party Entertainer." If you double-check this with his facebook page, he specifically mentions the "Auguste method." He's a clown. In more ways than one. ;)

  2. Christwire is indeed a satire site.

    Or so I've been told. Damn you Poe's law!!

  3. I was questioning my sexuality after having read the first ten, but #11 sealed my homosexual fate.

  4. Yeah, that site does seem rather Onion-like.

    Here's a link from their site that seems to be a bit more obvious:

    Another Cat Tries to Snocker a Woman’s Sintreats

    I come from a super fundamentalist background. I can't see anyone from my former church affiliations finding anything serious about that.

    Oh boy, but I sure do find it funny as hell! I've got a new pass time now-- laughing at the lampoons from their website!