Monday, July 12, 2010

Let Me Count The Ways

The good people at Human Events (oh, conservatives) have released a list of the “Ten Ways To Make Atheists Cry.” So, lets take them one-by-one.

1. Well, we know that Human Events doesn't like aliens (rimshot). But seriously, even if we are the only creatures in the universe (which is unlikely and largely unprovable), that doesn't mean that there is a god, it just means there were some special events that took place here and gave rise to life. I know that conservatives don't like to think and hate science as much as atheists, but there are a lot of limiting factors that would prevent communication between civilizations across the universe like, say, the enormous distance. I know, facts have never stopped conservatives before.

2. Who cares about an IQ? I know a lot of people who have high IQ's are wrapped up with IQ points, but, again, there are way too many factors that go into intelligence that make the IQ test stupid. Someone could be good at tests but be a complete idiot. A high IQ score and $3.50 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Mensa arguably has some of the most dysfunctional people in the world amidst their ranks, no offense to the galactic brains at Mensa.

3. Of course a Christian conservative would try to trick someone to make a point. This is an age-old argument of who has killed more people, Christianity or atheism. It is a stupid argument that doesn't get anyone anywhere. However, the awesome part about this little trick is a) the numbers of people killed that was slowly wenched out of the authors ass, and b) the fact that the numbers of people killed by the Inquisition was pitted against all of the people killed in the imagined name of atheism. Following that logic, I could say “you know, Pol Pot killed less people than died of the Black Plague.

4. This one is just stupid. First of all, who gives a shit about Margaret Sanger? I have never read anything of hers and still manage not to commit genocide. Second, she founded Planned Parenthood, so she did something good. If you are going to use Planned Parenthood as an attack, you need to find a different group. Something tells me that the parallels between “Mein Kampf” and “The Pivot Of Civilization” are about the same as the parallels between the Bible and “Mein Kampf”.

5. William F. Buckly was a douchbag. Next!

6. Yeah, having lots of children and further straining our infrastructure will show us.

7. I love the idea of having readings of Darwin's work.

8. Who gives a shit of Keynes was an atheist? Isn't it the conservatives who are wedged tightly between the ass cheeks of Keynes?

9. Knowledge of philosophy is lost on conservatives. It makes their brain hurt. You know, all atheists are nihilist and follow Nietzsche literally.

10. Hey, I will take a free lunch from a Christian! Please, assault me with charity! While you're at it, you can pay my mortgage and my utilities. I could also use a new car. I also love the comparison between the Indian untouchables and atheists.

Here is your assignment, my friends. Lets see if we can come up with a list of the “Ten Ways To Make Christians Cry.” I'll post them all on here after picking the best.


  1. I'm not sure you can come up with ten different ways to make Christians cry. They are completely unrepentant when it comes to the atrocities committed not only by their god's followers but by their god himself. They lack the simple gift of introspection that might make them see the horrors they've unleashed on the world in the name of the almighty.

    There is really only one thing that seems to make them cry: standing up against them. Like schoolyard bullies who suddenly discover they no longer have the upper hand, standing up to Christians makes them whimper and whine pitifully. They wail and moan loudly when their mistaken notions are challenged. They turn into spoiled crybabies when someone posts an opposing viewpoint. Their tantrums can turn violent and destructive.

    Incidentally, saying that God is dead is like saying that Tom Sawyer is dead. A fictional character can't really die because beyond the printed page, they never really lived.

  2. 1. It's a BIG universe. Why would they come here?
    2. Mensa 2 out of every 100 people. Big freaking deal. IQ is basically meaningless.
    3. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
    4. ????? WTF???????
    5. One of the smartest men I've ever know spoke with a deep southern drawl. So did Mark Twain.
    6. Sure, drown us in kids. Maybe we can educate some of them.
    7. All great men have feat of clay. Thomas Jefferson owned slaves (wait a minute, the babble says that's ok!).
    8. Like all things, the application of economic principles is based on interpretation. Remember "Trickle Down"? Worked well, didn't it?
    9. No God no Morals? I think we've beaten that one into the ground too many times.
    10. Be nice? Christians? Yeh, right!!!


  3. There is more to evolution than Darwin.

    Nazi soldiers had "Gott mit uns" on their belt buckles.

    Leviticus. (This one is what gets me - they'll swear by so much of the bible, but I never hear of Christian women retreating to the wilderness on a monthly basis, and I'm pretty sure that the average church contains plenty of poly-blend outfits on a Sunday morning.)

  4. Make 'em cry? Why bother? if they're being dicks, they aren't worth my time.